You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
