I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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