meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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