i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
