i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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