Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
