i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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