you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
