I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
