I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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