I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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