At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
