I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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