I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
