If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All I want is dick and wine.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
