Don't make out with my wife yet
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
