I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
