Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
