Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
