PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you are never too drunk for berry picking
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
