If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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