I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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