I wish I only lived at night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
