Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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