I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
