So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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