i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
