So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
