That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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