Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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