Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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