new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
