Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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