Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
