she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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