Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
