Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
