i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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