shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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