I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
