What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
