Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
