just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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