Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Vodka?
Forever.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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