Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
