You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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