Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
