He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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