they need to just BURY HIM!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
