I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
