Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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